Memories of Past Lovers
by Brightest Firefly
Summary: RyanTaylor with a dash of RM one shot based on previews for episode 410, dealing with the book about Taylor.


I wrote this one shot before The French Connection aired, so no spoilers, just speculation. Not that I think this will happen on the show, because I don't. The journal sections I wrote are just the beginnings because if I wrote them out it would have to be smutty and I can't write smut. But if you've seen the show, you know what happens...or have made some assumptions about what happened.

* * *

"Kaitlin, I need your advice!" 

"Is he still mad about that whole Peaches thing?"

Taylor sighed, sitting down on Kaitlin's bed. "Yeah. Well maybe not mad, but he's definitely still irked about it. He won't touch me or look me in the eye. If there was anything I could do to fix it I would, but it's not like I can go back in time and not do it."

"From what I read, why would you want to not do it?"

"Because I can see how much it's hurting Ryan," she sighed. "I can't do anything to take it back. I wish I were the one having to deal with this instead of him."

Kaitlin softened. "Everyone has exes, and details in old relationships that they wouldn't want their significant other to know about…especially Ryan." She hesitated for several moments, then made her decision. "I have an idea."

"What is it?" Taylor stood up from the bed and followed Kaitlin to her closet. "What are you doing?"

Kaitlin pulled out a leather bound notebook and held it close to her. "I'm going to go talk to Ryan."

"Kaitlin, please don't. It'll only make things worse. I at least have to face him myself."

Kaitlin was really unsure of what she was about to do but she didn't want to something like this to come between Ryan and Taylor when they both seemed so happy. "Okay. But you have to promise me something."

Taylor nodded, still clueless as to what was going on. "Sure."

"You have to promise me that you won't read anything in this," she said, holding the notebook.

"Okay, I promise." Kaitlin made her do a pinky swear and kiss her hand. "Now what what is this?"

"It's...Marissa's diary."

Taylor felt her stomach drop. Kaitlin went to her desk and put sticky notes inside the notebook after she found the right pages. "Take this to Ryan and tell him to read the pages that I marked. You said that you wish it was you going through this and not him. Now's your chance to prove it."

"But...I can't read Marissa's diary!"

"He won't ask you to. But the idea of you reading it will put him in your shoes."

* * *

Taylor knocked on the door to the pool house, almost shaking from nervousness. She heard him yell to come in without looking to see who it was. She knew that if he had looked, he would have come up with an excuse not to talk to her. 

"Hi Ryan."

He had been lying on his bed, idly tossing a ball in the air. He stopped and looked at her coldly, sighing. "Taylor."

"Kaitlin gave this to me. She thought you should see it."

He took the notebook and turned it over, examining it. "What is it?"

"It's Marissa's diary," she replied her voice shaking.

"You read Marissa's diary?" he demanded angrily.

"No, of course not, but being the nosy little sister that she is, Kaitlin did. And she thought you'd be interested in the pages she marked." Ryan took the notebook from Taylor, his thoughts far away. "I'll just wait in the living room." She quickly exited and Ryan sat down on the bed.

_September 28, 2003_

_Last night Ryan and I had our first official date. Afterwards we went back to the pool house…_

_March 26, 2005_

_Ryan and I are officially back together! We got Trey off the hook and then Ryan kissed me in the car. After that…_

_September 16, 2005_

_Dad left again, so we aren't moving to Hawaii. I'm really going to miss him, but I'm glad I get to stay in Newport. Ryan and I finally…_

After reading that entry, Ryan closed his eyes, pained by the memory, but comforted in knowing how excited she had been about their relationship and how much she had loved him. That time seemed like decades ago, and looking back, he knew that they had both been so much more innocent then. Seeing her private thoughts about that night were a boost to his ego, especially since she'd never said anything like that to his face.

He was finally to the point where it didn't hurt so much to think about the good times. He lied down on the bed trying to process things and compose himself before going to face Taylor. How exactly was this supposed to help things?

He walked across the patio and slid the glass door open, then walked around the family room to sit down across from Taylor. "Why did you want me to see this?"

Taylor took a deep breath. She'd been practicing what she wanted to say, but now that he was sitting in front of her, his blue eyes piercing her, she could hardly think at all. "Ryan, if I had known then that you would even give me a second look, I never would have married Henri-Michel. But I didn't know you would, and I didn't know that I would fall in love with you, so I did marry him. No matter how much I regret it, I can't change it."

Ryan heard her declaration of love but didn't want to address it until they got past this. "So what does this have to do with Marissa's diary?"

"I can't change what happened…but I can know how you feel. I know you have had this Peaches stuff forced on you, and I don't know how that feels. But if you want me to, I'll read what you just read. Then I think I'd have a pretty good idea. I'm sure it will hurt like hell, but Ryan, I'll do whatever it takes."

Ryan stared at the carpet for 60 seconds in complete silence. His memories of Marissa were precious to him, but that didn't mean he loved Taylor any less. Marissa was his past but Taylor was his present, and hopefully his future.

"Look, I don't know what those pages say. I'm guessing they are moments that were supposed to stay just between you and Marissa. Moments that you don't want me to know about, not because you don't love me or you don't want to be honest with me, but because those moments are yours and Marissa's."

Ryan met her eyes for what was probably the first time in a week and nodded, acknowledging that she was right. "I don't want you to read it."

Taylor felt her gut twist in jealousy, but she was glad she might be getting through to him. "My ex, unfortunately, decided not to keep what happened between us private. He made it into a trashy novel."

"Taylor," he began, trying to reach out to her, but at the same time, holding back. "I'm not mad. I knew you were married to the guy and I knew about Hess, I just can't get the details out of my head."

She didn't know how to respond to that. "Maybe…we could make some memories of our own."

"That's just about the last thing I want to do right now."

She recoiled, stung by his words. "I'm sorry."

"The whole time I would just be worried that I can't be as good as he is and that…" he took a shaky breath, knowing he was about to admit something he didn't want anyone to know, "you'll go back to him."

Taylor moved to sit down on the arm of the chair he was sitting on. "Do you remember what I told you about why I left him in the first place?"

"Because you didn't love him."

"Right. I didn't, I don't, and I never will. Even if we can't get past this, I won't go back to him. You know why?"

"Why?"

"I told you once that I believe in true love. Now I don't just believe in it, I know how it feels. And anything less is never going to be enough."

Ryan processed her words, but he still felt immensely in adequate. He stood up, pacing. "So you're saying you want to be with me because personality is more important than being good in the sack?"

"No!" She quickly tried to do damage control, as the edge was back in his voice. "I mean, yes it is, but what I'm trying to saying is that I can't even compare what I've experienced with you to whatever the hell it was I had with Henri Michel. I love you, Ryan Atwood. In the past, for me, sex has basically been a recreational activity, with little or no emotional involvement. But you…we've really connected. I hate the phrase 'made love,' but I finally understand what people mean when they say that. You make my toes curl, my body long for you, and you make me scream your name. And afterwards, I never regret it and I want to keep being with you. I choose you today, tomorrow, and every day after that! I'm never going to stop choosing you." She stopped, out of breath and emotionally drained.

"Okay," he replied softly, his eyes full of unspoken emotion.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. We'll um…we'll get through this."

"Thank God!" she rushed to hug him and he buried his face in her neck. "What changed your mind?"

"You said that you choose me."

Taylor raised an eyebrow at him. "But you knew that all along. I've never even considered going back to him."

"I know, it's just…with other girls, I've always felt like I was never…what they needed me to be. Some other guy would come along and come between us, and then I'd have to wonder if I really meant anything to her all over again. I was never enough."

"You've always been more than enough for me." Taylor spoke just above a whisper. "You've had to compete with - or at least think you were competing with - a French romance novelist, but I think it's safe to say my competition is much stiffer. No one can compete with a ghost."

Ryan's eyes shot up to meet hers, wondering how Taylor could consider Marissa competition. "She isn't even here though."

"Exactly. I always wonder if you would have even considered being with me if she was still alive."

Ryan thought of Johnny's death and how ultimately, Johnny had stolen Marissa from him. "I would have. I don't know if we would have gotten together as quickly, or even at all, but I wouldn't be with Marissa."

"How do you know?"

"Last year, I told Marissa she had to figure out if it was me or Johnny she wanted to be with. Eventually, she chose me. But after Johnny died, she pulled away from me and I think…she chose him. She never said it, but I just knew. She would always wear this necklace that Sadie told me Johnny got her for Valentine's Day. The one I gave her got stashed in a drawer somewhere. I guess I kind of know what it's like to feel like you're competing with a ghost."

Taylor took his hand and squeezed it to show her support.

"I broke up with Marissa because we just couldn't ever make it work. After she died, all I remembered was the good times, the times when she'd amazed me. And she did a lot of the time. All the times that she'd left me feeling betrayed and lost, I just pushed aside, because I don't want to remember that. But if she was alive, I would have reminded myself of the bad times every day until I got over her, because I didn't want to go through that again."

Taylor kissed his lips chastely and tenderly. "You won't have to."

"Taylor?" he asked, pulling back from her slightly.

His eyes looked so serious and it made her nervous. "What?"

"I love you too."

* * *

Fin! Review please! 


End file.
